Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
