I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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