I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize