man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
