My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
