k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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