i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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