well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You ruined the universe
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
