Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
