dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
