38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
