wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
