This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
