I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
