he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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