People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
