Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
