I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
