My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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