my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But theres a keg here and me gusta
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
