Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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