I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
