I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize