3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
