I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
