textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
