btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
