If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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