i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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