i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
