It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
not ubering you a puppy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
