i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
