Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize