Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
