you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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