But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
