I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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