Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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