I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
