Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
