So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
