I'm drive I can fine osifer
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
