I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
