I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
