When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
