just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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