pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
