apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
