Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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