I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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