note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
