pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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