Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize