I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
