apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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