Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
