just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
