i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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