We got so high we made milksteak
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
