If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
