i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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